I'm a mess

So here I am again, 4 months after I made a goal for myself to be a size 9 in '09. And it is just not happening. I have no desire to ever go out. I never want to eat "right." I just keep eating, eating, eating. More, more, more. I am literally sitting here right now with my belly feeling like it is going to explode. Every time I see someone that I haven't seen in a few months, I just imagine that they are wondering whether I'm pregnant. (I'm not!) But I definitely look like I am. I know I do. Every time I look in the mirror, all I see is my huge belly. My husband is sick of hearing my excuses. I wish I could gain weight like most women... hips/thighs. But I don't, mine tends to pile onto my stomach. With school finishing up this week and no job lined up yet, I have no excuses anymore. I don't know what I need to do to get the ball rolling. I feel like once I've lost a few pounds, it will get easier to keep the motivation up, but getting started sucks.

Part of me really wants to reach out so someone close to me. To tell them what is going on in my head and heart. How I want this so badly, but just can't seem to muster up the motivation to do it. How every time I try, I just feel like a failure. I feel like there is just too much work ahead of me and there is just no use in trying because I'm just going to fail just like I always have in the past. While all of these thoughts run through my head, I feel like I can't say anything to anyone because once I do, they will hold me accountable. And I hate being held accountable. I hate having people observing what I'm eating and making me feel bad for it. And that is where the contradiction comes in. I want people to help me, but I don't want them to help me because I want to be able to just eat whatever I want. I'm a mess.

More Trouble

I'm officially 2 lbs. heavier than I was when I last posted. When I saw this picture of me last week, I wanted to go outside and run 50 miles... but unfortunately my knees kill anytime I do any sort of high-impact exercise. I have always secretly wanted to run a marathon, but I don't know if that will ever be in the cards for me. However, I do hope to be able to run a 5k at some point this year (maybe for the 4th of July or maybe for Thanksgiving, but I definitely want to do it). Anyway, I know it was a horrible unflattering picture, but I've just never seen myself like that before and I was SHOCKED!

A New Day

In college I told myself that if I ever hit 200 lbs I would immediately start starving myself. I'm 25 lbs beyond that now and it is time to do something about it.