I'm a mess

So here I am again, 4 months after I made a goal for myself to be a size 9 in '09. And it is just not happening. I have no desire to ever go out. I never want to eat "right." I just keep eating, eating, eating. More, more, more. I am literally sitting here right now with my belly feeling like it is going to explode. Every time I see someone that I haven't seen in a few months, I just imagine that they are wondering whether I'm pregnant. (I'm not!) But I definitely look like I am. I know I do. Every time I look in the mirror, all I see is my huge belly. My husband is sick of hearing my excuses. I wish I could gain weight like most women... hips/thighs. But I don't, mine tends to pile onto my stomach. With school finishing up this week and no job lined up yet, I have no excuses anymore. I don't know what I need to do to get the ball rolling. I feel like once I've lost a few pounds, it will get easier to keep the motivation up, but getting started sucks.

Part of me really wants to reach out so someone close to me. To tell them what is going on in my head and heart. How I want this so badly, but just can't seem to muster up the motivation to do it. How every time I try, I just feel like a failure. I feel like there is just too much work ahead of me and there is just no use in trying because I'm just going to fail just like I always have in the past. While all of these thoughts run through my head, I feel like I can't say anything to anyone because once I do, they will hold me accountable. And I hate being held accountable. I hate having people observing what I'm eating and making me feel bad for it. And that is where the contradiction comes in. I want people to help me, but I don't want them to help me because I want to be able to just eat whatever I want. I'm a mess.